Elmo’s Tickle Hands are basically vibrators for children. I don’t know why children would be masturbating with vibrators, but I guess it could work for creepy adults with furry fetishes too…?

the idea is that you put the gloves on, then touch stuff you want to tickle. Upon contact, the gloves start vibrating and talking and giggling in elmo’s voice. But you know what you can also use to tickle? Your straight-up hands.

what i guess i don’t get is, you have to have hands to wear gloves, no? so “tickle gloves” can’t be made for kids without hands who desperately want to tickle. and if you already have hands, you can tickle on your own, so you don’t need vibrating, singing gloves to do it for you. Theoretically, you could just put in an Elmo DVD, call your friend over, and get to some good, glove-free tickling…until a parent catches you, thinks your excessive tickling obsession is a sex issue, and uncomfortably gives you a long chat about the birds and the bees.

what? too much? maybe. but i still don’t see the point in buying my kid a pair of vibrating gloves which only work when touching one’s self or other people. I like my personal space.

maybe when i actually have a kid i’ll think differently and think this product is kind of cute.

but i’ll probably still be creeped out.

cause this is THAT cute, and i don’t do cute well.

but i’ve watched it four times already. let’s keep this between us.

frank lucas is gonna serenade you with his dick instead.

[thanks angelo]

come on. like you wouldn’t hang out with this dude?

this is Rabbi Baruch Chalomish. He apparently likes to party, and when he parties, he parties hard. So hard, in fact, that he’s been picked up for reportedly offering cocaine in exchange for sex.

BBC News reports that Chalomish rented an apartment for the ability to “relax and have a party” and, when raided by police recently, was found to have stashed 3.6 ounces of coke and £17,000 in it.  They also found rolled up bills, credit cards presumably used for cutting lines, and materials used for diluting the cocaine into salable content.

the article doesn’t say where the sex part comes in, even though it’s in the heading, but i think we’re all just supposed to assume that sex has got to be involved somewhere – everyone knows that with coke, one can find whores. It’s as easy as inviting a girl over to do lines, then being all, “oh no, where’d my coke go? i guess i’m out. wanna fuck?” But honestly, Chalomish looks so badass in this pic, i’m sure girls would screw him for free.

though one must argue that if his rabbi skills were as good as his dealing skills, that’s not enough to hate him. If i was one of his followers, i’d probably still keep the faith. But that’s mostly because i love things and people that are completely out of the ordinary. For example, coke-dealing, whoremongering rabbis. Challah back.

i just don’t get it. If you’re still taking myspace-style mirror pictures, you’re probably too young for a kid. But if you’re convinced you’re old enough to be fucking, you’re old enough to buy yourself a form of birth control. Hey, it’s cheaper than a baby. BUT if you’re gotten past all that, and you’ve had a kid, even if you’re really young, then for chrissake, can’t you take pictures of yourself in public restrooms when your baby’s NOT around, or at least cut the kid out of the picture before posting it on Facebook?

at first i thought that her attire had something to do with a day at the water park. But then i remembered that there’s no point in taking an infant to a water park, unless you’re there with friends or family and one person stays with the baby while you go on rides. Which would suck, but is feasible.

…but if you’re at a water park with friends or family, someone would therefore be available to watch the baby while you take pictures of yourself in the bathroom. Henceforth, everything about this picture is as wrong as i thought it was when i first saw it.

[via Lamebook]

i don’t remember any reports on Sammy Sosa having vitiligo, so somebody’s got some ’splainin to do.

if no one got up and punched this bitch in the face before she was suspended.

Elizabeth Lambert is a member of the New Mexico women’s soccer team, and she apparently is a rude, thuggy bitch on (and probably off) the field. She basically spends the entire game checking chicks for absolutely no reason, but no one seems to want to do anything until she actually throws a girl to the ground by her ponytail. I find it absolutely fascinating that no one has beaten the shit out of her by now. She must be too tough for anyone’s own good. Watch her in action below.

[source]

“but in the meantime, just check out the hot blonde and her creepy morphing back up dancers”

what is it about japan that makes you want to buy everything the country has to offer, regardless of how ridiculous and irrelevant the commercials may be? if anyone speaks japanese, please let me know if ANYthing this fitness chick has to say has anything to do with buying a backpack.

after the interview that notoriously pissed Michael Jackson off, most everyone knows by now that Martin Bashir of ABC’s Nightline gets in that ass. He takes absolutely no prisoners, from media-sullied pop stars to sensitive Scientologists. So when Bashir asked Scientology representative Tommy Davis to confirm whether or not members of the religion really do believe that life began when an alien emperor dropped a bunch of people in volcanoes 75 million years ago, he didn’t really have to get as pissy and defensive as he did. So pissy, in fact, that he unhooked his microphone, dropped it on the ground, and stormed out… instead of simply clarifying rumors or just saying “no.”

being one who simply doesn’t mess with what i don’t know, i may not be a proponent of Scientology, but i also don’t see the point in pointing fingers and calling its followers nuts for for believing in something i can’t quite comprehend. However, wouldn’t Bashir’s query somewhat equate to one simply asking a Christian if he/she believed that humans started with Adam and Eve? What’s the big deal with that? Maybe representatives of other religions just have better things to do than throw hissy fits on national television.

So nut up, Tommy Davis – ABC was just trying to make your people seem a little less nuttier than Tom Cruise made you all out to be. Now you just look like a brat who’s just let Martin Bashir successfully make you and your people look like the crazies so many people take you for.

Tantrum starts at 3:40.

on a very halloweeny edition of The Today Show, the hosts dressed as Star Wars characters.

but instead of having children dress up as ewoks, NBC decided (wisely) that it would be better to hire a couple of drunk midgets.*

hilarity ensues.

*no word on whether they’re really drunk or just fucking around, but all the youtube videos describe them as drunk, and i figure, if i was a little person hired to play an ewok at like 7 in the morning, i’d up the excitement with a few shots myself.