when you’re fat, keeping your ass clean costs 50 bones

i swear i am not a fattist, but there are certain things that make me go “oh come ON.” like this Bottom Buddy shit, below.

apparently all the bottom buddy really is is an ass wiper. It’s an 11-inch plastic tool that “grips toilet paper or moistened wipes” when “reaching is difficult.” It’s weird, cause i guess i kind of always thought that even when you’re really fat, you’re never too fat to reach your asshole. Then again, you learn something new every day.

the problem is not that an ass-wiping device has been invented to convenience morbidly obese individuals. The problem is that the American weight condition has become so bleak that there is actually a MARKET for a product like this. If you look back just a few decades ago, there were still super fat people, but few enough to not be able to bank on products that make living large more comfortable. Example A: fatpeople furniture.

but honestly. to be so fat you can’t properly wipe your own ass? Like, what does it take to put down the cheeseburger? And how many skid marks does it take to succumb to buying something like a Bottom Buddy? It originally retailed for $49.95, for chrissake. You know what you can do with $49.95?

Buy a pair of cheap cross-trainers. And go for a run.

UPDATE: I’ve been informed that they’re also known to be good for people with limited shoulder mobility. They are exempt from this discussion. I was more turned off by people buying it to get their ass clean cause it’s easier than just reaching for it with your hand. But now i guess that makes a bit of sense, huh.