how the %@*#$& did this happen?

i don’t remember any reports on Sammy Sosa having vitiligo, so somebody’s got some ’splainin to do.

women’s soccer must be for the weak

if no one got up and punched this bitch in the face before she was suspended.

Elizabeth Lambert is a member of the New Mexico women’s soccer team, and she apparently is a rude, thuggy bitch on (and probably off) the field. She basically spends the entire game checking chicks for absolutely no reason, but no one seems to want to do anything until she actually throws a girl to the ground by her ponytail. I find it absolutely fascinating that no one has beaten the shit out of her by now. She must be too tough for anyone’s own good. Watch her in action below.

[source]

“oh yea, and we have a backpack you can buy”

“but in the meantime, just check out the hot blonde and her creepy morphing back up dancers”

what is it about japan that makes you want to buy everything the country has to offer, regardless of how ridiculous and irrelevant the commercials may be? if anyone speaks japanese, please let me know if ANYthing this fitness chick has to say has anything to do with buying a backpack.

well if it’s not true, why didn’t he just say no?

after the interview that notoriously pissed Michael Jackson off, most everyone knows by now that Martin Bashir of ABC’s Nightline gets in that ass. He takes absolutely no prisoners, from media-sullied pop stars to sensitive Scientologists. So when Bashir asked Scientology representative Tommy Davis to confirm whether or not members of the religion really do believe that life began when an alien emperor dropped a bunch of people in volcanoes 75 million years ago, he didn’t really have to get as pissy and defensive as he did. So pissy, in fact, that he unhooked his microphone, dropped it on the ground, and stormed out… instead of simply clarifying rumors or just saying “no.”

being one who simply doesn’t mess with what i don’t know, i may not be a proponent of Scientology, but i also don’t see the point in pointing fingers and calling its followers nuts for for believing in something i can’t quite comprehend. However, wouldn’t Bashir’s query somewhat equate to one simply asking a Christian if he/she believed that humans started with Adam and Eve? What’s the big deal with that? Maybe representatives of other religions just have better things to do than throw hissy fits on national television.

So nut up, Tommy Davis – ABC was just trying to make your people seem a little less nuttier than Tom Cruise made you all out to be. Now you just look like a brat who’s just let Martin Bashir successfully make you and your people look like the crazies so many people take you for.

Tantrum starts at 3:40.

if i was a midget in an ewok costume, i’d be drunk too

on a very halloweeny edition of The Today Show, the hosts dressed as Star Wars characters.

but instead of having children dress up as ewoks, NBC decided (wisely) that it would be better to hire a couple of drunk midgets.*

hilarity ensues.

*no word on whether they’re really drunk or just fucking around, but all the youtube videos describe them as drunk, and i figure, if i was a little person hired to play an ewok at like 7 in the morning, i’d up the excitement with a few shots myself.

things clarissa actually cannot explain

her career’s demise, as illustrated by jimmy kimmel.

[thanks rashaun]

be nice to your unborn children

so wait – is the baby the transformer? or does brenda just really love transformers? And why is she dressed like the ringmaster of a tacky rodeo? just curious. whatever the case, brenda has definitely got a baby.

what’s up, france?

i like how you roll.

what was he gonna do? stick it in his pocket?

if you’re standing on a stage, getting ready to release a peace dove along with a bunch of other people, and yours just happens to have died somewhere in between receiving said dove and letting it go, what do you do when it’s game time?

say, “fuck it” and figure that if you let it go anyway, it’ll blend in with the rest of the birds before it hits the ground.

or so you think.

well, it would have been awkward either way.

[thanks steve]

getting caught with a dick in your mouth sucks. (badum-tssss)

shark with a penis in his mouth.

after that description, there really aren’t many funny things to say about it.

though i do like the camera guy’s “he’s a real dickhead!” commentary.

here’s the part i don’t get – did he eat a dick? or is he eating his own dick? why’s there a dick in his mouth in the first place? someone please explain.